Rewrite your love story and overcome the 3 beliefs that hurt your relationships


Life without Love

Coming home to someone who loves you. Waking up next to someone who deeply cares for you. Knowing that someone accepts you the way you are and will always have your back. Love makes life really, really special… Yes, relationships can be one of the most fulfilling aspects of our lives, providing us with love, support, and a sense of belonging. However, attracting and maintaining healthy relationships can also be challenging, especially if we subconsciously hold onto certain beliefs that do not serve our relationship goals. February is a month to celebrate romantic love. For those of us who live without love however, it can be a perfect time of reflection and healing, so that, once we’re ready, we can attract love and build strong, healthy relationships that stand the test of time. In my opinion, at the heart of many relationship challenges are 3 beliefs that hurt your relationships; I believe that understanding them is the first step toward transformative healing.

Enter modern hypnotherapy to discover 3 beliefs that hurt your relationships

Our thoughts and beliefs shape our perceptions, emotional state and actions, and when it comes to relationships, negative beliefs can prevent us from forming healthy and fulfilling connections with others. Hypnotherapy is a powerful tool for addressing these underlying beliefs and overcoming the challenges they present in our relationships. This therapeutic technique uses hypnotic trance to access the subconscious mind and makes it possible to resolve the root causes of our pain and limitations, even when we seem to be not fully aware of what might be affecting us, and where it comes from. By working with a hypnotherapist, we can develop a greater sense of self-love and confidence, and learn to overcome limiting beliefs and behaviors that may be impacting our relationships.

So, what are the underlying beliefs behind the relationships issues and how to overcome them?

You want a “bad boy”

We meet someone and it just magically “clicks” between us. Why? It could be that they just remind us of someone we already know.

Sometimes I watch a love experiment Lang leve de liefde on a Dutch TV, where singles are given ample time to get to know each other well by spending at least 24 hours with each other. The thing which still amazes me is that so often women turn up there, confessing they are attracted to a “bad boy”, and when they get matched with a decent, loving, caring man, they reject them, time after time. Female participants tend to seek for the same type of person that makes them feel insignificant, over and over again. They rather choose a relationship they need to work really hard for, with some wild man who very likely won’t value them, instead of accepting that love may look differently. That it can be simpler and sweeter. These single ladies leave the program disappointed and still single, and even when they meet “their type” when the cameras aren’t around, I doubt they could be truly happy. And that’s because they’ll realize that they cannot change that type. The same thing happens to men who keep attracting cold, aloof women. To men who seek out women who make them feel stupid, inadequate, not good enough. Why is that?

Why, out of all people, we choose the one that diminishes and criticizes us? Someone who is mean to us, who makes us work really hard to get their attention? We actually could be doing that because of a deeper, subconscious wiring.

Humans are wired to follow what’s familiar and avoid what’s unfamiliar. In the end, this is how we have survived on the planet, for centuries. Risking eating berries we’ve never tried before, joining an unfamiliar tribe, or following an unknown pathway was a direct threat to our safety. In this sense, today we’re not so different from cavemen; our mind still wants our safety first. When we realize that our mind’s job is not to make us happy, healthy or wealthy, but to keep us on a planet, it’s easier to understand why we are wired to replicate the same old scenarios, even if they don’t fully align with our desires. It may not be what we want, but it is what we know, and our mind perceives it as safe. That explains why we may be attracted to partners that make us feel in a certain, familiar way. Familiar because someone else used to give us that treatment before. Perhaps a parent, relative, former partner. Hence, we engage in this new but familiar relationship, hoping we will be able to change the ending this time…

And it can be risky when our early experiences were not the best and the significant figures in our lives at the time failed to instill in us love, self-respect and confidence. And so, it happens that we, not fully aware of it, keep recreating what’s familiar to us, and then – we try really hard to change the course of things. We try and try and try to change the other person, but we all know that’s not going to work if the person self isn’t motivated and invested in such a transformation. In that sense Amy Winehouse was right singing “Love is a losing game”.

Re-wire the subconscious mind

When we learn, as adults, to break any subconscious wiring that is not serving us well, and to replace it with the belief system that supports our relationship goals, we can totally transform our reality. Why is hypnotherapy an effective tool for overcoming negative subconscious wiring?

During hypnosis, we are in a state of heightened suggestibility, allowing ourselves to access the subconscious mind and hypnotherapist to address the underlying patterns that are affecting our choices and quality of love we experience. We can also effectively change this negative wiring, and replace it with a more positive, empowering one.

And so, when we realize that the “type” we are going for is not right for us, we can decide and reprogram ourselves to find and accept another type. The one that might be unfamiliar at the beginning, as they will make us feel absolutely different from what we are used to – special, appreciated, celebrated. For a change, we’ll be treated with dignity and respect. Even though it may feel like an unknown territory at first, the more often we do it, the more familiar it will become. Hypnosis offers opportunity to unlock the negative wiring and transform it into something that serves us better. It’s an effective way to rewrite our love story for good, this time starting from the very beginning.

You want someone to fix your life

Perhaps it is the fault of fairy tales that we believe that love is the answer to all questions. Some of us might still believe that once we find love, we’ll all live happily ever after. Why would that even be an issue?

If we believe that our whole life is going to change when we fall in love, that another person will make everything better, we will get disappointed. Sure, having someone to love will make our lives better, but it won’t magically erase every single problem we’ve had. We may still have issues in other relationships, whether it’s with a boss or our neighbours. In fact, once we find love, we may get a whole new set of challenges to deal with too – what if our partner doesn’t get along with our friends, what if we don’t like their family, or their parents don’t approve of us? Relationship issues may still exist, even if they will concentrate around another person. Belief that a love partner can make all our life better is a myth. It also sets the bar really high for the person we are with. It’s these unrealistic expectations that destroy relationships.

Reset expectations and boost coping skills for lasting love

When we realize that it’s still our job to design our life and deal with its challenges, it’s a game changer. When we learn that yes, love is a great addition to our life, but it’s not a magical fix to it, we will save ourselves the frustration and disappointment. That will also make us a better partner. Here is how hypnotherapy can accelerate these desired shifts. First of all, it can help us identify and change unrealistic expectations about relationships, such as the belief that our partner should fulfill all of our emotional needs or that relationships should be effortless. It can also help us develop effective coping skills, such as conflict resolution and stress management, enabling us to handle the ups and downs of various relationships in a healthy and productive way. And let’s not forget what hypnotherapy can mean for our communication. Good communication is essential to healthy relationships. Hypnotherapy can help us improve our communication skills, allowing us to express our needs and desires more effectively, and build stronger connections with our partners. And because it involves work with subconscious mind, therapeutic results are faster and last longer than through traditional counselling.

You don’t feel lovable

Another problem with relationships, probably the biggest of all, face those of us who want others to love us whereas we even don’t love ourselves.

I like a thought that whatever we radiate, we will also attract. No matter how much we try to prove someone we are lovable, if we actually don’t feel that way, others will pick up on the fact that we don’t love ourselves.

When we go through life, wanting an amazing partner with us for the wrong reasons, we won’t find rest and fulfillment in love. If our own foundation isn’t solid because we have no love and acceptance for who we are, once we meet that special someone, problems arise. We start doubting their intentions. How can they love us if we feel unlovable? We feel unworthy of love, and that makes us suspicious when others show us they want to be in our life… They don’t know the “true” us… If they did, they would never fall in love with us… What if one day they will get disappointed with us?

This is where we often start sabotaging our relationships and try to bring about the end sooner than later. This phenomenon is very common but unfortunate, because it gets triggered even when we meet someone really special. You don’t have to watch 90 Day Fiancé to find prime examples of sabotage and unnecessary drama in a relationship due to lack of self-love. We may keep shooting ourselves in the foot as long as we feel, deep inside, that what we’ve got is too good to be true. I’ve seen it so close to home and I’m sure that many of us do recognize these patterns too.

Reinforce positive foundation

I couldn’t agree more with the saying “You can only love others to the degree you love yourself”. The truth is that we don’t have to be “perfect” to be loved, but we do need to feel “whole” and enough in order to thrive in a strong, healthy relationship.

My great teacher often stresses that the most important approval of all is our own approval. When we truly feel good enough, lovable and deserving of love, we feel whole, and we can be an equal partner. Great thing about feeling lovable and enough is that it’s our original blueprint. We all were born with it and regardless of what has happened in our lives that made us doubt or even forget it, it still remains our blueprint and our subconscious mind is still able to reactivate it.

I’ve often seen how well hypnotherapy reminds us that we were born already as a complete, lovable person. It can help us increase our self-esteem and self-love, allowing us to approach relationships with a greater sense of worth and confidence. Even if the past experiences have left us with emotional scars, self-doubt or lack of trust towards others, hypnotherapy can help us work through past traumas and resolve them, so that we can move forward feeling stronger and better, with a greater sense of peace and confidence.

It’s when we stop needing others to make us feel complete, that we become stronger and happier. Stepping into a relationship from a space of wholeness makes giving and receiving love so much easier. And it makes us more desirable and attractive. Lovability does work like a magnet.

My Valentine’s Day wishes

Probably the best gift we can give ourselves and our partners is to fall in love with ourselves first. It seems like that when we feel this way inside, the world falls in love with us too. The more we value and love ourselves, the more value and love we have access to. In this sense, love does start with learning to love ourselves. As we close this chapter, I invite you to remember that the 3 beliefs that hurt your relationships are not life sentences; they are starting points for growth and deeper connection. Once we recreate our original blueprint, a transformative shift happens. We become better versions of ourselves, truly certain we are enough and deserving of love, and we begin to radiate this lovability to the outside world. And this virtuous circle wonderfully grows as we start attracting partners that are like us – “whole”, strong and ready for healthy, meaningful romantic connections. When we realize we don’t need someone else to validate our sense of wholeness and self-worth, when we start to see that we don’t need our partners to heal our wounds, fix our life, or rewrite our stories, the love changes for us. We are ready to welcome it with open hearts and fully enjoy all it has to offer.

About the author

Psychologist, RTT Therapist trained by world-class therapist Marisa Peer, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Mindfulness Coach

Result-oriented therapist, focused on treating the root cause of an issue, resilient mindset shifts, reprogramming subconscious beliefs and building lifelong habits that support your transformation

Here to help if you are motivated to take charge of your life, committed to your transformation, value your time and are looking for fast results that stick after as little as 1 – 3 sessions

Offering powerful therapy online and in person, based in Utrecht, the Netherlands, happy to work with non-native speakers and expat communities, in English or Polish

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